10 Art Week Regrets

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If Berlin Art Week were a pastry, it would be one of those donuts that’s filled with so much jelly it explodes everywhere before you’ve even taken a bite. Which is to say that, during this annual September bash in the German capital, things get messy.

Now in its fifth year, Berlin Art Week draws people from all over the world. Some of them come for the internationally acclaimed exhibitions and talks by industry bigwigs and critics. This year some may even be arriving to catch the final week of the Biennale. However, as sure as night follows day, some people turn up, drink too much, party too hard and make some questionable decisions.

SLEEK should know – we’ve been there and puked all over the event-branded T-shirt.

Here are our top ten Art Week regrets

1 — 2012

Fourteen glasses of Ruinart.

2 — 2014

Woke up wearing a canvas dress on an inflatable flamingo in the middle of Peres Projects. David Ostrowski had painted on my outfit, and Karen Boros had mistaken me for an artwork and made the gallery an offer. My ascent to art world notoriety seemed guaranteed. And then my hangover began.

3 — 2015

Pretty sure I made out with Hans Ulrich Obrist. Update: Found a Post-it Note on Instagram that said, “Thanks for the make-out sesh #HUOmorelikeUHO ;)” Mostly regret the use of the slur “HO”; I’m bigger than that.

4 — 2013

Eleven more glasses of Ruinart.

5 — 2012

Brokered a deal with Deutsche Bank to make abstract paintings for their lobbies for the rest of my life. Blew it the following morning when I realised I didn’t know what a lobby was.

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6 — 2015

Accidentally started Twitter beef with DIS when my iPhone autocorrected “LOLhouse” to “the oversaturation of marketing devices and commodification in a biennial is both cynical and passé”.

7 — 2012

Fell asleep in the Uber on the way to Berghain. Woke up on the A9 motorway to Leipzig. Shrugged. Went back to sleep. Does Leipzig have an Art Week?

8 — 2014

Became an Amethyst-Level Member of something called Berlin Art Week Teen Lit Society. Despite the name, we meet once a month. Daniel Richter is a member, and his favorite YA series is Vampire Academy.

9 — 2015

Moderated a panel called “How to Dodge the Tax Code by Hiding Your Money in a Shelter and Score a Bunch of Cultural Cachet at the Same Time by Buying Art… I Mean, How to Start a Private Museum”. Made out with HUO again the green room.

10 — 2013

Attended something that could only be described as “studio-as-hyper-connected-transversal-multi-media-dance”. It was about the body. It was about moving through space. It was about urgency. As far as we can remember it was about 21 glasses of Ruinart.

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Illustrations by AHOK

Berlin Art Week runs from 13–18 September 2016 at various locations in Berlin

Goldschmied and Chiari
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