The world is ending, we all know that. Thin-skinned fascist snowflakes and easy-to-provoke white supremacists have their hands on a terrifying number of nuclear missiles. It’s bad. But aren’t artists like cockroaches? Blow up 300 of them, and 600 will be painting deconstructed abstract mushroom clouds on radioactive canvases in no time.
Here are a few movements that might be born out of the ashes of humanity’s near total destruction.
1) Post-Mortem Dance
After the flesh melts away from our bodies, we will have to wiggle around to feel less pain. In the first week of January after the apocalypse, Deforma 01, a post-mortem dance celebration will take place in various demolished venues around Former New York City.
2) Pustule Pop Art
It’s an easy concept, like cubism or pointillism. Some will say, “A child could pop their pustules onto a canvas,” but the critics – those not in critical condition anyway – will know how difficult it is to convey emotion with discharge. We await the Jackson Pollock of our end times. Swirling pus into forms that resemble popular culture references (The Bachelor Season 66; the exhumation and reanimation of Andy Warhol’s body) will make Pustule Pop Art relevant.
3) Not Shocked Art
Not unlike Chris Burden’s “Shoot” (1971), except we will be begging to be shot and put out of our misery. We all saw this coming, didn’t we?
After the bombs hit, everything will be demolished (yes, including your smart fridge, and your chalet/gallery in St. Moritz). From there, it’s back to the caves for us. People of the future will be amazed by the crude drawings of our robot overlords.
5) Zombie Neo-Formalism
Unlike the Zombie Formalism of the current art market, Zombie Neo-Formalism will be a formalist abstraction made by artists who die, and then become undead, via an easily preventable airborne super-virus that will spread after the president jails every scientist.
6) Non-Neutrality Net Art
Net artists will be among the last to die in the apocalypse, since they will all be inside making gifs. Of course, net neutrality will be gone by 2018, so all the self-hosted videos will take approximately one year to load. The Berlin Biennale of 2060 will feature over 62 artists, whose videos will load during the entire run of the exhibition. Audiences will watch in awe at the sheer variety of spinning beach balls of death.
7) Deplorable School
This will mostly be paintings of Russo-American flags, photoshopped pictures of shirtless Putin and Trump as sexy centaurs, and video art consisting of Pepe the Frog repeating the word “emails” over and over again for eternity.
8) Capacitator Fluxus
In Back to the Future II, Biff steals the DeLorean and makes his past self an evil corrupt millionaire. Using this as an influence, there will be an art movement that uses different media to go back in time to try and stop Trump from destroying the world.
9) Institutional Critique
Ha Ha. There will be no institutions left to critique. Good luck with that one.
10) Apocalyptic Land Art
When the end times come, there won’t be much to do. All communications will be out, and our phones won’t be chargeable, let alone allow us to play Candy Crush. So why not arrange a bunch of mud and rocks into a spiral? Or spend your lifetime turning a crater into a work? Seems like a pretty good way to pass the time.