1) Joseph Beuys
He had this kind of thousand-yard stare and Steve Buscemi lips, but there was something mysterious about him that was kinda erotic. That and he wore a fur coat, AND he basically lived with a coyote—get you a man who can do both. Bonus: he wore a felt fedora to cover his bald patch and the wound he received while at war fighting Nazis a.k.a. he’s got a mysterious sexy scar.
Final verdict: FLAMIN’ HOT CHEETOS
2) José Clemente Orozco
He had a pretty serious look, like something was pissing him off all the time. And his paintings were all really serious political murals. There’s something really sexy about someone being that serious all the time.
Final verdict: SERIOUSLY SEARING
3) Ed Ruscha
This one is pretty obvious. Ed Ruscha has a chiseled jaw that has no business being in art, except maybe as a painting.
Final verdict: MOLTEN STEEL
4) Nam June Paik
He made all those cool video screen sculptures, do you know he could get handsy. But OMG, have you seen pictures of a young Nam June Paik? Go, now, to Google.
Final verdict: BLISTERING HOT
5) Edvard Munch
He could be dark, but goth boys are pretty cute. He was the most classically handsome of the bunch—he had sort of a Norwegian daddy style happening. He also wore a fedora.
Final verdict: HABANERO
6) Emory Douglas
Another one of the fedora crew, he looked good in archival images from the Black Panther days. Plus, being a revolutionary has its own intrinsic sex appeal.
Final verdict: SIZZLER
7) Robert Mapplethorpe
And not just because he was BDSM; Mapplethorpe was just a sexy man all around.
Final verdict: SCORCHING HOT
8) Egon Schiele
He made some sexy paintings, and to think, he was only 20 years old when he made most of them. Boy, hi.
Final verdict: DOUBLE SPICY
9) David Hockney
When he was young, he could have been, like, the sixth Beatle or something (if they had Spice Girls names, he would have been Dorky Beatle). He used to wear the same glasses John Lennon wore. And it seems like he was all about that poolside lifestyle. Bonus: he’s kept up with the times, and you wouldn’t have to teach him how to use an iPad.
Final verdict: VOLCANIC
10) Tom of Finland
This one kind of goes without saying. He was hot; the rippling, seamy, biceped, rough-and-tumble, massively endowed slabs of manmeat he drew were hot; and everyone he hung out with was hot.
Final verdict: CORE-OF-THE-SUN HOT