Let’s be honest, you’re probably too poor and selfish to buy any of your friends Christmas gifts. But should you (God forbid) find yourself in some hellish Secret Santa situation or struck with a sudden burst of generosity, never fear. Whether they’re a painter, writer, photographer or the kind of excruciating wank who refers to themselves as a “creative”, our Anti-Christmas Gift Guide has something for everyone (as long as “everyone” has vague artistic pretensions, and is also vaguely awful).
Are your friends full of vague toxins? Do they need to get them out of their body by means which lack any coherent scientific explanation? Do they love to talk about toxins but don’t know what they actually are? Good news: the people who made these candles don’t know either! Now you too can remove toxins from your body by putting extra things into it that your kidneys and liver have to deal with. Share the experience and joy of flushing those toxins with your friend and feel the beneficial health* effects together.
Whisky Made From Diabetic’s Urine
Speaking of flushing, what better gift to give an artist who loves to get pissed than whisky literally made from piss? This one-of-a-kind whisky is made by designer James Gilpin from the excess sugar in the urine of diabetics, which he claims will start conversations about diabetes. It’s definitely going to start some conversations with your friends alright, most of them involving the phrase “You just fed me what?”
Sometimes your chakras are just all out of alignment and you need to use the vibrational powers of crystals to set them straight. Sometimes those chakras are in your friend’s butt. This is the perfect gift for that special someone in your life that needs an intimate kind of resonance.
A €360 Leather Trashbag
For that high-class trashy friend in your life comes this high-class trash bag. Retailing at three hundred and sixty euros. This bag is made of hardwearing yet supple napa leather from Spain, so your trash can sit in comfort and safety. If you’re looking for something to throw in the bag, why not toss in a few solid gold thumbtacks and paperclips from the same designer?
An Inspirational Poster of Some Trite Ass Shit
Every creative finds themselves at some point beset by depression, loss of motivation and other psychic turmoils. If anally realigning their chakras or burning detoxifying oils doesn’t cure their ills, try an inspirational poster of some real trite shit. How about one of a million different variations on a failed World War 2 propaganda poster? Maybe a contextless quote by a famous artistic figure? If all else fails, you can always fall back on the classics, like telling someone to “Live, Laugh, Love” or perhaps “Dance like no one’s watching”.
More Fucking Sketchbooks
Sometimes your artistic friend just isn’t feeling crushed enough by their lack of productivity, surrounded as they are by dozens of unfilled sketchbooks and half-finished projects. In that case, why not add to the weight of the millstone around their neck by buying them even more empty sketchbooks that will sit around their studio space, mocking them? For that really special someone, try buying a beautiful, handmade sketchbook with lovely, high quality paper, so that they can really feel the anxiety every time they mess up a drawing in it.
The reMarkable Paper Tablet
If buying more sketchbooks for someone suffering under a mountain of incomplete ones isn’t cruelly ironic enough for you, try buying them a reMarkable Paper Tablet. This genius new invention combines the worst aspects of the digital and physical. It provides you with all the freedom of a lightweight sketchbook and graphite pencil (no, you can’t have colour) except that it costs 600 euros, can run out of batteries and was probably assembled by slaves in a Chinese factory out of blood minerals.
Just a phial of your blood
Honestly this is probably the most practical gift you can give those creative people in your life. Whether it’s inspiration for a poem, art materials or evidence in a restraining order, true creatives can find hundreds of uses for a phial of your blood.
So there you have it. Eight horrendous stocking-fillers for the best and worst people in your life. And if you decide to go off-piste just remember: nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a passive aggressive art gift!