As a new year commences, why not dip a toe into the highly lucrative (?) Berlin freelance game. For that, however, you’re going to need to some help, so we’ve devised the ultimate how-to, covering everything from finding the perfect cafe-cum-office to acing the art of keeping receipts. You’ll thank us later.
1. Set up your super original self-made website
First things first: PROMO. You’re your own brand now, and in order to stand out from the crowd, you must have an exceptionally minimal website which looks like everyone else’s. Bonus points are awarded to sites with bold, graphic and unnecessary landing pages, and nods to Nineties-era web graphics.
2. Find a neighbourhood cafe and adopt it as your office
Who needs to pay 170-euro studio rental when you can hide out it in one of Kreuzberg’s many gentrificafés all day long for the price of one measly flat white? Scour the city for the perfect plugsocket to comfortable chair to decently-heighted table ratio, and take your time.
3. Be incredibly vague
The first rule of fight club is don’t talk about fight club, but the first rule offreelancing is talk about it all. the. time. — just be painfully vague. You’re a multi-hyphenate now, an undefined “freelancer” by nature, as if that meant anything in itself. Painter-writer-juggler and occasional-cash-in-hander when you’re behind on rent, it all comes under the freelance umbrella.
4. Do everything you possibly can to avoid paying healthcare
Freelance life is great, but freelancehealthcare? WTF. 400-euro a month for a three-hour wait in the doctor’s office followed by an unsympathetic shrug when you unload your ailments? But praise the Lord for loopholes — rumour has it if you register as an artist, sign up to three Masters, realign your chakras and start an art zine from your bedroom, you too can have healthcare for only 90 euro a month. Who knew!
5. Keep your receipts (and everyone else’s)
Michelin star dinner at Restaurant Richard? BUSINESS. Cab ride home from the club at 8am? Business. Vabali spa weekend? Obviously business. Hoarding crumpled receipts is a freelancer’s bread and butter. But it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and Berlin is ripe with scavengers just like you, so be prepared to engage in a dual to the death over that heretofore insignificant piece of paper — and claim that shit back.
Use “doing your taxes” as an excuse to get out of EVERYTHING
Ever dreamed of the perfect get-out-of-jail-free card? Now you have it. Prepare to shirk all those half-hearted plans you made and simply cannot be bothered to follow through with, like dinner with that annoying new-to-town friend or coffee with your ex-Tinder flame. None of yourjaded full-time-contract friends can ever complain because no one except the freelancer really even knows what “doing your taxes” means.
All illustrations by Bea Lo.
This article originally appeared in SLEEK 60, out now.