Film still from Thelma and Louise (1991)
So, what’s your plan? You’ve gone and done it: A rogue deputy of capitalism has stormed the electoral college to claim the throne as Commander in Chief of the United States of America and you’re planning your escape. Your Spanish is too dusty to head south; your feeble heart and tired soul might not be ready for the north’s winter. I’ve got it, you declare with the eager eyes of a teen who learned that yes, the drinking age is 16 in many parts of western Europe. I’m moving to Berlin.
Your suitcase is packed, your assets have been liquidated and you’ve got your one-way ticket in your hand. Here’s what you need to before you hit the tarmac of Schönefeld, or Tegel, or Flughafen Berli—just kidding. That airport is never being built.
In fact, I’ve found the Ausländerbehörde to be quite like Berghain, the lines are infinitely long and the final decision may seem without rhyme or reason
Get Your Papers
A fun fact is that despite tightening restrictions on carbon emissions and energy expenditure, many of Germany’s world-famous bureaucratic systems refuse to communicate over email. In the interest of inefficiency, most communications are done in person or through snail mail instead. Indeed, my relationship with the local tax office, for example, has blossomed into bi-weekly love notes from my local representative reminding me that I’ve gotta pay up eventually.
It makes sense to some degree – it’s an effort to protect our data privacy, and I can’t think of anywhere safer than my postbox. More aptly, Germans are an honest folk. Their inability to bend the rules can be almost militant at times, but there’s something refreshing in knowing that their word is bond. Having paper proof is accordingly an unquestionable testament to which ever point you’re trying to prove. Existing in Berlin is a bit like filing a case against a lawsuit: it requires you to document everything in duplicate, trust no one and get everything in writing – have the receipts, basically, from the moment you buy your plane ticket and arrange your AirBnB. Germany is a harsh mistress and you’ll be prodded and probed for every ounce of documentation upon arrival. As Queen Bey once slayed: “Best revenge is your paper.”
Berlin exists as a hub for digital nomads, freelancers, and a cloud-based culture of exchange
Beetlejuice (1988)
Literally Get Your Papers
It is true that there’s a subset of the expat community wherein not speaking German is almost a point of pride. But even amongst these Arschlöcher – as a local would say, so take note – there exists a vocabulary viewed as critical: Das weiß ich nicht! Ich bin Amerikaner! Jawohl, ein Halloumi mit allen Soßen, ohne Gurke! Now go Google Translate that.
Amongst these key phrases is Ausländer – the dark mark placed upon expats, immigrants, and people seeking refuge from abroad. The immigration office is named with no false promises: Ausländerbehörde. Foreigners Office.
In fact, for most citizens of western nations, the Aussie-Bee is more bark than bite, as they tend to look more favourably upon the “economic migrants” seeking shelter in Germany’s cold, muscled arms. Book an appointment online and prepare to state your case auf Deutsch – collect the aforementioned receipts, really.
In fact, I’ve found the Ausländerbehörde to be quite like Berghain: the lines are infinitely long and the final decision may seem without rhyme or reason. Prepare in a similar fashion: wake up early, dress in matte black out of somber sobriety, and – if all else fails – at both, I’ve definitely gotten my way simply by shouting at the gatekeepers. They love a show.
You’ve got your visa and an apartment. Maybe even friends and – dare I say it – a job. What now?
Find Your Light
One of the most exciting characteristics of Berlin is the low-hanging buildings and wide streets. Despite the characteristically high ceilings of Altbau architecture, zoning codes prevent the high-rise apartment buildings that litter the skylines of New York and LA. What this means for you is that even in the depths of winter there is always ample natural light for a good selfie. Indeed from the sun-kissed summers to the white Christmases, social media is buzzing with Berlinstagrams—join in the fun and who knows who will slide into your DMs? Find your community online. Are you a Wedding girl or is Neukölln more of your Kiez? And where do you stand on the discount beer debate: #TeamPilsator or #TeamSternie? Actually, if you’re #TeamPilsator, you can see yourself out. We don’t want you.
Jokes aside, Berlin exists as a hub for digital nomads, freelancers, and a cloud-based culture of exchange. Like any good metropolis, everything from apartments to jobs to concert plus-ones to lovers can be found from the comfort of your Facebook. There’s a group for nearly every interest and every question you might have and every odd or end you need sorted. They also serve as a great way to trim your friends’ list as you watch acquaintances get racist on Toytown Berlin polls!
“Work” by Rihanna
Get Shit Done
You’ve got your visa and an apartment. Maybe even friends and – dare I say it – a job. What now?
To many, Berlin’s appeal lies in its relatively affordable rent, vibrant youth culture, and the notorious party scene; for others, expatriating offers a passive form of protest against the rising radical right in their home countries. But there’s something more sinister from which we run away: be it by Brexit or by Trump. As expats and immigrants, our departure from the lands in which we were raised can too easily be read as us giving up. As often as I joke about my countdown calendar marking time until I can claim a German passport as my own, it’s not without daily reminders of why I left America three years ago, and why members of the communities I left behind as well as their global counterparts need our support, our aid and our empathy.
There are ample resources for finding organisations that need your skills and your hands; there are services that won’t mind your stumbling German like Vostel or GSBTB. Find the communities that need you, or build one around yourself – Germany faces its own elections in late 2017. The right-wing AfD got 14% of the votes in the local elections last month, so let’s help Berliners learn from our mistakes.