Scroll through the comments under any Beyoncé or Taylor Swift video and you are bound to find the word mother. Through “that’s mother” or “mother is mothering,” the term has become a staple across fandom universes online. When K-Pop idol Minnie performs, devoted fans call her “Minnie mother”. Actor Pedro Pascal has been dubbed “father” across social media and American singer Meghan Trainor even gave herself the title in 2022 with the release of her single, Mother. While it may appear that 2023 was the year that everyone online became “mother,” the roots of the phrase extend far beyond the onset of TikTok. With origins in the Black and Latino L.G.B.T.Q. ballroom scene, the misused and un-credited use of “mother” is now running rampant online.
Julian Kevon Glover, Assistant Professor of Gender Sexuality and Women’s Studies and Dance and Choreography at Virginia Commonwealth University, says that the proliferation of the term beyond the ballroom scene speaks to a general need for nurturing. “One of the generative things about ballroom is that the terms mother and father have never been exclusive on who can perform that labor,” she says. “The mother of the house can be a cisgender gay man.” Instead of being gender-specific, Glover says it’s instead characterised by the types of nurturing labor.
When Glover was an active part of the ballroom scene, she says she was reticent to walk until the mother of the house encouraged them to do so. This included not just teaching Glover the elements of vogue, but also making sure she had the resources to pay entrance into the bowl and create their own effect. “The father of the house is interested in making sure everyone has a chance to participate, so their labor might be making sure the house as a whole is taken care of,” they say “Whereas the mother is more detail-oriented, specifically making sure that not only does the individual have the materials that they need, but that they emotionally are in a state where they can be a formidable competitor.”
Among social media fandom culture, the use of “mother” and “father” has unsurprisingly become heavily gendered. It’s also watered-down the nurturing labor aspect of the roles, crowing celebrities that aren’t known for giving back to their communities with the titles. “Using it in those contexts online does muddy the water of the kind of mentoring layer that people do,” says Glover, who doesn’t personally consider Taylor Swift a “mother”. Glover says the one celebrity she considers worthy of the term is Rihanna, for not only her 20-year career but also her engagement with fans and previous attendance at ballroom events, including as a judge at the 30th anniversary of the House of Miyake-Mugler.
Jacob Jackson, a TikTok creator based in Oklahoma, first encountered how the internet currently uses the term “mother” during Lady Gaga’s rise to fame in 2008. Gaga is known as “Mother Monster” to her fans. While Jackson feels like that use is still outside of its original context, Jackson says Lady Gaga has “done a lot more than others to earn the title” — including being a “fierce defender” of the L.G.B.T.Q. community. “It’s most often being attributed to largely white pop stars,” they say. “Black queer culture has always been at the forefront of creating trends and introducing new slang. The main gripe I have with this is that people seemingly can’t just enjoy our contributions — they have to own it.”
Kevin Aviance, a New York ballroom legend and nightclub icon says that “mother” has always been part of Black culture. “I’ve never had it not be part of my life,” he says. “It’s nice to know that in the ballroom or Black gay community and find a secondary family.” Aviance’s mother is Mother Juan Aviance. “I feel like he birthed me, he discovered me,” he says. “He gave me my first bottle and my first place to live.” Despite this, Aviance says he has no aspirations of being a “mother”. “There’s a big difference between mothering and just being an auntie or fellow sister,” he says. “I have no stretch marks. I never want to be a mother. I like being mothered and I like learning.”
As we witness ballroom culture becoming more mainstream and the monumental rise of RuPaul’s Drag Race, ballroom terms are spreading like wildfire on social media. Mother, of course, is not the only one. “Everybody’s is saying “death drop” but not all of the dances are death drops. There’s a dance that everyone calls a death drop, but it’s not a death drop,” says Aviance. “Voguing is such a serious thing that people make sure they are trained to do eloquently and they’re not taking our gay dance seriously.” L. Ayu Saraswati, a Professor at the University of Hawaii, says terms are often “dehistoricised and decontextualised” on the internet, for them to travel to other spaces and become viral.
For Glover, paying homage to the rich history of “mother” could be as simple as saying “in the traditional of the ballroom scene”. “If you’re not from ballroom, before using a term that emanates from it, simply say that and then say whatever you’re going to say,” they add. On TikTok, this would no doubt be followed by a resounding: “That’s so mother”.
As featured in SLEEK 79 – MOTHER. Available in print and digital here.