Miley Cyrus at Art Basel Miami
The two preview days before Art Basel 2016 opens to the public have given us plenty of time to spot the five types of people you will want to run away from at any art fair. You can thank us later.
Danny Devito as Frank Reynolds in ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’
1. The over-eager gallerist
While most gallerists (especially the Swiss ones) are the model of decorum and elegance, there is the occasional exception: the slightly sweaty, slightly over-eager to press their roster of seen-it-before post-minimalism on unsuspecting visitors. Do not, on any account, hand them your card: you’ll receive daily emails from now until hell freezes over.
Beyonce and Jay Z at the Louvre
2. The newbie collector
Clutching a stack of press releases and an iPhone brimming with installation shots, this eager young blood was only recently granted the status of the First Choice VIP card. Of course he’s only after a Chagall (sadly beyond his means right now, but just wait until his daddy-funded startup is bought by Google), but whatever comes from Berlin and somehow part of this new-fangled post-internet thing will do. We hear he’s already on the waiting list for Timur Si-Qin.
3. The Insta-wannabe
She wears Valentino Rockstud flats, nude Christian Louboutins, or the Raf Simons for Adidas Stan Smiths. She carries a Chanel 2.11, having ditched her Céline (‘it’s so last season’). The new Gucci collection is a little risqué for her, but now everyone has the hand-stitched Prada lace, so ugh, it’s back to Chanel. Her secret idol is Paridust, and her one aim in life is to be Instagrammed beside Klaus Biesenbach – before being invited to the Moma PS1 board of course.
Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy in ‘Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy’
4. The sloppy journalist
He wears a slightly greasy tweed jacket – one of the many hastily snatched canapés at the floating buffet reception last night went astray. His tie is askew, his patter a breathless bitchery/name-dropping exercise of the famous people he has met on press trips over the past three months. Charging past you to the open champagne bar, you feel moisture on your hand: a drop of drool has flown from his greedy maws. We say: wear a raincoat and use hand disinfectant.
Julianne Moore as Maude in ‘The Big Lebowski’
5. The over-ambitious artist
As the artist Lawrence Weiner once said: “for artists, visiting art fairs is like watching your parents fucking. Caution, therefore, should be exercised if you find a member of the creative class loitering all-too-eagerly near their (perhaps solo) booth: come too close, and they will grab you by the elbow to subject you to a monologue about inspiration, genius today, and their relationship to their parents.”
Art Basel takes place in Basel, Switzerland, from 16 June until 19 June 2016