(Un)Happy Valentine’s Day!

Some say the mornings are the worst, some might think the night is when they can’t fall asleep. For me, actually, all of the 24 hours of the day feel like I am drowning in a sea, as if I am permanently tormented by underwater pressure, not letting me break out. Above everything I do lies a big cloud, almost bursting before its next rain. Waking up feels like being welcomed into my nightmare, during the day I am getting swallowed up by the emptiness surrounding me. My body feels weaker with every passing day, not being able to withstand the pain, so I just sit and keep quiet while an absent power seems to be guiding me, preventing my body from shrinking into a small ball of messy feelings. At night, I am afraid to fall asleep, scared of what dreams will await me and not wanting to wake up to my dull life again. My eyes are glued to the phone, my fingers cryptically typing in the notes app. If it was an actual notebook it would probably already be full.

I never understood people being bitter about Valentine’s day. Walking down the street, I have always enjoyed seeing the love people feel for each other, finding comfort in the belief that above all, love will always be an inherently human trait that has the power to fight every burden in life. But now, love seems to be what makes my life hard. I have always believed in a romantic partnership not being the solution to solve the mystery of life, as I also have seen the beauty of being alone and single. But when I met that one person, it was just so much easier to be surrounded by loving feelings and being gifted the most beautiful moments that I lost a little of who I am. The worst thing is though, that after you, I still don’t know who I am anymore.

There are moments that feel okay like I am slowly regaining my vision and seeing myself for the person that I am while in others I just want to disappear in my bed, waiting for everything to pass by. So this year, I am fully allowing myself to hate Valentine’s day, hating all the roses in the instagram stories, all of the loving kisses people share with each other and hating that everything must be heart-shaped today. This is me. Heartbroken on Valentine’s, a day I never cared about, replaying every sentence you ever said to me in my head, my brain trying to emulate the sound of your voice while I think about everything that could have gone differently. But in the end, whether in a relationship or not, I am coming to terms that it will only be me by myself in this world, knowing that deep inside, I will find the strength to push for better days.